The party is over, as they say. You gave it a go, but somehow things just never worked out. It could have been due to your unhealthy obsession with pistachios, or your partner’s Smurf fetish — the reasons for why you’re not compatible are likely to be quite varied. All that matters, however, is that you are certain that a point of no return has been crossed in your relationship. Once that happens you must initiate the dreaded break up protocol.
You see, there are proper ways to break up and there are ways that will just make you seem like an insensitive as***le or bitch. Nobody wants to be seen that way. It’s a given that breaking up is always going to be difficult and uncomfortable. It is not a given, however, that it must be traumatic for either side.
So, if Cupid has completely abandoned the air space of your relationship — or if Cupid is just a rotting corpse stinking up the remnants of your relationship — once you have determined that a breakup is in order, it is best to do it sooner rather than later. Here are seven breakup tips that you can use to do it right.
1. Use the Band-Aid Approach
You know how uncomfortable it can be to remove a band aid — especially if you have more body hair than most other people. This can be analogous to a breakup, especially if there are more issues to air out than most other couples. This is why, as much as it hurts, in both instances, it’s best to yank that sucker off in one motion rather than stretching it out over a series of agonizing tugs.
Once you know that you want to break up — do it in one sitting. Don’t turn it into a telenovela spread out over days or weeks. Be thorough, do not be ambiguous. You owe it to yourself and to your soon to be ex-partner to have a fast and clean cessation of relations. Don’t leave an empty trail of breadcrumbs that your partner might cling to in hopes of recapturing your love. Be direct, but kind.
2. No Break-Up Sex
We know that any compound noun with the word “sex” in it is going to be very tempting to try, but in the case of breakup sex, just don’t. Doing “it” one last time can make things awkward — or thanks to the endorphins released during sex — make one or both of you want to give the relationship a thirty-second chance. This is why it should be entirely avoided.
3. Do It in Private
Most breakups will involve some degree of tears. It will also likely result in some raised voices. You owe it to your partner to choose a setting that is private. Announcing the termination of a relationship at an Applebee’s while the people in the next booth are being sung an off-key rendition of Happy Birthday by the service staff, is not ideal.
It is best to do it at your partner’s place if they have the privacy available. That way, once it’s done, you can just leave and your partner has the solace of being in their own space.
4. Make Sure It’s Face to Face
Yes, we blog; therefore we love technology, but there is a time and a place for everything. The marvels of modern communication have NO place in a breakup. Don’t you dare try to break up via text, phone call or video chat. The only time when the use of such technology is acceptable for a breakup is when long distances are involved. Otherwise, it has to be face to face. No matter how badly the relationship may have soured, you owe your partner that much.
5. Go Into It With Shields Up
No matter how well you plan the breakup, no matter how mild-mannered your partner is — some degree of fireworks are to be expected. For this reason, it’s important that you brace yourself to listen to a few — or a lot — of harsh things about you coming from the mouth of your ex-lover. Being the recipient of any amount of vitriol is never pleasant, but for this once — put on the thick skin. Rest assured that your ex is not so much trying to offend you, as they are simply displaying their pain and sorrow. If it helps, at least you know that you will not have to hear that sort of thing from them ever again.
6. Do Not Play the Blame Game
Do not use the breakup as a platform to wash yourself of sin and assign blame to your partner. To be perfectly honest, there is likely enough blame to go around for the both of you. The moment of the breakup, however, is not the time to be revisiting blame games. The breakup is the moment when the actual separation takes place — when you actually cut along the dotted line. Focus on making a clean cut and not on assigning blame. The time for blame should be long past by the time you reach the breakup point.
7. Be Definite
Sometimes in the emotion of the moment, it is easy to be ambiguous about the breakup in the hopes of sparing your partner some pain. This, in fact, has the opposite effect. By giving your ex false hope of a future reconciliation you are only prolonging the inevitable. You may actually be exponentially increasing the pain and sorrow that they will feel later on. Yes, a breakup will cause pain, but if you are honest with your partner they will eventually appreciate your honesty. Be clear that it is a breakup, use the actual term at least three times during the process — be unequivocal.
— There Is No Easy Road, Just the Right Road —
Breaking up will never be a task to look forward to with eager anticipation. It requires tact and honesty. However unpleasant the act may be, with time, both you and your ex will be grateful that it was handled in a direct way as opposed to a roundabout manner. When a break up is handled the right way, you will both be able to get on with your life and find greener pastures.