It started out as any other day. You had your morning double shot latte, went off to work — everything was normal. Suddenly, your phone starts overflowing with message notifications from your significant other. “Don’t bother coming over tonight.” “That’s what I mean to you?” “After all I’VE done for you…” and of course, our personal favorite, “F**k you, as****e!”
You try calling but you are sent straight to her voicemail. Obviously, something is afoot. You rattle your brain trying to think what it could be. Surely, you’ve done nothing wrong. After all, you are the perfect specimen of a caring and cultivated gentleman. Perhaps she is just unusually moody today. Then, in a moment of blazing revelation, you recall your grievous transgression (or transgressions) — you forgot her birthday; your anniversary; you ran over her cat backing out of the garage; you accepted the friend request from your ex; after one too many beers you hit on her sister (or mom); you actually said her new outfit made her look fat.
Yeah, after the officials take a look at the instant replay it turns out that you in fact seriously messed up, my friend. You blew it so badly that if he were alive today, Gandhi himself would smack you upside the head and say to you, “WTF is the matter with you?” before proceeding to kick you in the nuts.
Your fight or flight instincts want to kick in, but unfortunately, the court made you surrender your passport as part of your plea agreement — so fleeing is not an option. You must stay and fight for the affection of the woman that you love. The question is, how? Thank your lucky stars that we live in a consumerist culture which allows for the right gift to soothe any wrong.
Here are some gift suggestions that can help you get out of the dog house. It was curated by our own group of relationship miscreants that have spent their fair share of time sleeping on the sofa, so you know it’s good.
Before you start attacking us with torches and pitchforks over our lack of originality, hear us out. We are not suggesting your run-of-the-mill call an 800-number variety of flowers. Much less some flaccid, water-starved floral bundle you pick up at the supermarket. We mean something truly spectacular. A floral arrangement that you can easily sink an entire paycheck into. Something massive, something that will make her take notice. Of course, it must also be accompanied by a heartfelt handwritten note from you. Be contrite about your transgression in the note.
It’s hard to go wrong with jewelry, but when you are trying to make amends for your stupidity you must be more selective than usual. Think hard about a specific piece of jewelry that she has been wanting. You want to choose something that will make a sentimental connection, not just something that is expensive. This is also where engraving something romantic on the jewelry can earn you brownie points.
3) Weekend Getaway
You’re probably saying, “If she’s not talking to me, how am I going to ask her to go anywhere with me?” Fret not, there are ways around that. You can send her a handwritten note asking her to please join you at a specific location from which the both of you would part for your destination. You want someplace that is intimate and nearby. A quaint bed and breakfast, a cabin in the mountains, even a suite at a fancy hotel in town. Any place that will give the both of you intimacy and remove you from your regular routine.
4) A Spa Gift Card
Let’s face it, if she was upset enough to cast you out to the dog house, chances are that she is also tremendously stressed and emotionally exhausted by the experience. Sometimes, the best way to start getting back into her good graces is by literally helping her relax — pamper her. Obviously, she will probably not want your hands touching her. Therefore, you need a proxy. This is where a day at the spa comes in. Don’t skimp on the spa package that you give her — get her the works.
5) Sponsor a Mini vacation for Her and Her “Crew”
This is one — as the Brits would say — is a sticky wicket. It involves paying for her to take a vacation with her friends. If you are confident about the underlying strength of your relationship, this can be a perfect way to say I’m sorry and give her some “me” time. If, however, there are underlying issues that would make this a “high risk” situation, then it should be avoided.
6) Couple Memorabilia
Sure, you may have messed up, but that doesn’t negate all of the good times that you have had together. Have one of her favorite pictures of you as a couple framed professionally. Mind you, this should NOT be handled as a DIY project.
7) Edible Decadence
There was a time when food was the best gift you could give another person. While food no longer has the power of being an offering for sustenance, it still carries a lot of weight as a token of intimate affection.
This doesn’t mean that you can skate by with gifting her a Big Mac and fries. It does, however, mean that a gift of premium chocolate-dipped strawberries, truffles, fine imported chocolate, or whatever her personal palette most desires can warm up her heart.
It is important to select something that you know she loves. This is what makes this type of edible gift so powerful. Not only is it delicious, but it is also a reminder of “how well you know her.”
— Don’t Ruin Your Comeback —
We all make mistakes. We all deserve a second chance to make amends. The purpose of giving her any of the gifts mentioned above is to get your foot in the door for a second chance. You must be able to back up any gift with sincere feelings of contrition. You must also take steps to ensure that you don’t commit the same mistake again. If you’re sincere about that and you couple it with one of the gifts, you stand a good chance of busting free of the doghouse.