You had it all but didn’t know it. Then again, maybe you knew it but failed to appreciate it. Regardless, the situation now is that your partner has left you. The person that was the love of your life is now your ex. Now every hour that goes by, every minute, every second — you spend it missing your ex. You miss their voice, you miss their texts, you miss everything about them. The little things that used to bother you about them now seem trivial. You’re despondent — all you want is to have them back by your side. This may sound a little extreme, but when you break up with somebody and then realize that it was a mistake, those feelings are quite common.
The question is, what can you do when you want to get back with your ex? This is a tricky question — many things come into play. First, should you even consider getting back with your ex? Second, will your ex be willing to get back together with you? And finally, if the answer to the two previous questions were, yes — how do you get back together?
While the situation behind every break up will be different, here are eight tips that will, in most cases, help you to get your ex back.
1. Straighten Up
Breakups occur for many reasons. Rarely is only one of the partners to blame — both carry their own share of the blame. That being said, however, before trying to get back together with somebody, you should make sure that whatever fault you had in the breakup you have remedied. Perhaps you were overly jealous, had anger issues, or you didn’t communicate your feelings effectively. Before going for a second round, make sure that you have made a concerted effort to remedy those faults which are legitimately your own.
Mind you, this doesn’t mean that you should assume blame for things that are not truly your fault. Do not try to change things about yourself merely to satisfy an ex. We are only suggesting that you make modifications to those things that you yourself can legitimately confirm to be problem areas. One thing is accepting rightful blame, another is assuming unfounded blame.
2. Slowly Re-Establish Communication
No matter how dramatic or how calmly the breakup took place, you should always apply a slow pace when attempting to re-establish communication. Patience will really be a virtue in this regard. The last thing you want is to make your ex feel like you’re being pushy. You also don’t want to come off as being desperate. Immediately following a breakup you must allow a decent period of time to pass in order for feelings and emotions to settle down. You know, some time for the both of you to cool off.
Usually, during breakups things are said which aren’t really meant. This is why you should allow at least a week or two to pass before you attempt to re-establish communication. When you do make the first contact, it’s best to use a method that places you one step removed from being face to face. A text message is an effective tool for this. The text should be brief and casual. This is not the moment to open up your heart telling them how much you miss them and how much you need them. It should be one or two lines, just enough for them to know that you are still thinking about them. Once they respond, you can answer back — engaging with your ex, not arguing. The main purpose of these texts is to re-establish communication. After a series of meaningful and substantive text exchanges, you’ll be able to move to the next step. Suggest meeting for coffee or some other casual activity in a public place. Remember, you’re taking baby steps. It helps sometimes to view the process of recovering an ex similar to that of dating a person for the first time.
3. Do Not Rehash the Past
If you are able to re-establish communication, DO NOT start rehashing the past. While the both of you should address the root causes that brought about the break up in the first place, you should avoid rehashing specific details. This is especially true for those things that were said in the heat of the moment just prior to the breakup. You are trying to heal a wound, not pick at a scab.
4. Make Sure That You Are Both Still Available
Getting back together with an ex requires more than just a desire or willingness to do so. It also requires opportunity and a practical sense of reality. In other words, you have to feel it in your gut and the road ahead must be clear. If you have become involved with another person, or if your ex has entered into another relationship — that is not the time to attempt a reunion.
Getting back with an ex should never be taken as a “fall-back” plan in case your new relationship doesn’t work out. Likewise, if your ex is dating someone else, you must not interfere in that new relationship. Otherwise, you will be seen as an interloper — and that usually does not end well.
5. It’s Okay to Have Allies
In any relationship, it is normal for both partners to form social relationships and friendships with the friends and family of the other. While a breakup often takes a toll on these bonds, it is not unusual to retain certain friends in common. While it is bad form to take advantage of these friendships to spy on or attempt to manipulate your ex, there is nothing wrong in seeking advice from those friends.
The ground rules for this are simple. Do not make them feel uncomfortable, do not make them take sides, and do not put them in awkward situations. These friends should never be used as your carrier pigeons to deliver messages. They should be seen as part of your support group. Someone who can hear your pain and struggle, but still be objective.
Mutual friends can be helpful in helping the both of you to establish a neutral environment to meet if fresh contact is going to be attempted. In the early stages of re-establishing contact with an ex, both of you can benefit by being in the company of mutual friends. This could be in the form of the “old gang’ getting together and going out for drinks or hanging out at a backyard barbecue. By being among mutual friends, it will allow the both of you to have proximity to one another, but not feel the pressure that comes with being alone.
6. Be Frank About Your Feelings
As contact and communication are re-established and formalized with your ex, it is important that you reveal your true feelings to them. They should know how much you really missed them, how much you realized that they are an essential part of your life. They should also know how important they are to you going forward. It may sound a little mushy, but this is essential. After all, that is why you want to be back with them, isn’t it?
7. Don’t Rush to Restore the Physical
When trying to get back with an ex, there is nothing worse than to rush things. Unfortunately, some people seem to be in a hurry to bring things back to the way they were. In the process, they become anxious and impulsive — resulting in another break-up. Second chances should take their own pace. You should never rush your partner. This also means, that no matter how wonderful makeup sex is, the both of you must be certain where the renewed relationship is heading before resuming intimacy. Keep in mind, you are not recovering from a fight, you’re recovering from a break-up. The normal rules of makeup sex do not apply here. Yes, sometimes the nooky must be put on hold.
8. Do Not Attempt to Bribe Your Ex to Come Back
Getting back together after a break up should be a process — it should never be a negotiation. This means that under no circumstance should you contemplate using materialistic tactics to get your ex back. While it’s perfectly acceptable to send them tokens of your affection — such as flowers, handwritten notes, their favorite perfume or cologne, etc. — it should only be done in moderation and with their consent. The last thing you want is to be classified as some sort of stalker or creepy person. Larger gestures, such as expensive jewelry, car payments, rent payments, smartphones — will only make you seem desperate. You want your ex to return to you because they miss you as much as you miss them — not because they will get something materialistic out of it.
— There Are No Guarantees —
Whenever somebody plans to get back together with an ex, it is important to keep in mind that there are no guarantees. That means that you should go into it being aware that things might not work out. Having this degree of clarity — while not what you may want to hear — does serve to keep you focused. The more focused you are, the more confident that you will appear to your ex. This, in turn, will help you to be more genuine and sincere with your feelings. In other words, you will have to be willing to truly let your ex go in order to have the best shot at winning them back. While this may sound like a cliche — and you know that we hate cliches — in this situation, it is very appropriate. All you can do to regain an ex is to try your best.