13 Worst Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas — Proof That Cupid is Dead
Love and Valentine’s Day — they go together like strawberries and cream. Spending the day together, having a nice dinner, and exchanging gifts expressing your mutual love and affection. Sounds heavenly, right?
Well, sometimes things — for reasons totally alien to me — can go seriously astray. The dinner might be fine, the company excellent, but then when your significant other hands you your gift, you are left with the biggest WTF look on your face since the time you found out that Darlene was Elliot’s sister on “Mr. Robot.”
Sometimes our partners simply lack good taste and common sense when it comes to their gift selection skills. While I won’t bore you with the details of the Valentine’s Day gift that I received in 2013 (suffice it to say it’s still being held at a forensics lab in Boise), there are plenty of other gift-related horror stories to make Cupid want to promote celibacy.
If you want to avoid the “gift from hell” trap, here are 13 of the worst Valentine’s Day gift ideas, ever.
1. Diet Pills
Imagine the waiter brings over dessert. As you are digging into your slice of coconut-pecan German chocolate cake, you start getting anxious to see what your significant other got you. As you exchange gifts — and with a mouthful of decadently moist chocolate cake in your mouth — you open your gift box to find a bottle of WEIGHT REDUCTION SUPPLEMENTS!
I can guarantee you that even in a multiple-universe existence there is no way that evening will end well.
2. Leftovers From a Previous Relationship
What? A “nearly-full” bottle of perfume that his ex left in his apartment isn’t good enough for you? Hey, it was probably from a batch of her best stuff — the crap she’d pick up at the Walgreen’s discount counter. No, I guess that won’t fly.
3. Bag of Sweat Socks
While there are endless examples of hosiery that are sexy and wholly appropriate for Valentine’s Day, a bag of sweat socks is not one of them. Practical, yes — romantic, no.
4. Appliances
Sure, appliances can be pricey, but $3,000 spent on a new cooking range or washer does not compare to a fraction of that being spent on a piece of jewelry. Keep in mind the point of a Valentine’s Day gift is to establish a connotation to something that is intimate and lasting. Not something that is practical and sturdy.
5. Walmart Gift Card
I have nothing against Walmart. It is a fine establishment — I do most of my grocery shopping there. However, if the value that you assign to your partner can be equated to a large volume discount store — there will be a problem.
6. Breakup Letter
Out of all of the days of the year, Valentine’s Day should be the last one ever considered to deliver a breakup announcement. Incredibly, there are plenty of stories about such things happening. If you ever do this in a restaurant, make sure to do it after the waiter has cleared all the cutlery off the table.
7. Sex Tape
There is no better way to put a smile on her face than by gifting her a video that you secretly recorded of the two of you having sex. Wait, that’s not a smile — it’s more of grimace morphing into absolute rage! Quick, run!
8. Chia Pet
Ch-ch-ch-chia! Yes, those tacky ceramic and chia seed remnants of the 70s and 80s that somehow — like cockroaches — manage to survive through the ages.
No amount of spin using analogies like, “the Chia Pet represents how with a little nurturing our love sprouted and continues to grow” will ever make it acceptable. (Incredibly, or sadly, my sister was the recipient of such a line once)
9. Cheese Log
Yes, a cheese log — you were warned that these were bad ideas, so don’t complain now.
Unless the two of you are into some kinky stuff and that cheese log is intended as some sort of bedroom toy, fermented dairy products should never be on your list of gift ideas. Not even if you live in Wisconsin.
10. Macaroni Art
Once, when I was 22, my boyfriend at the time gave me a homemade styrofoam heart studded with macaroni shells. Mind you, I said I was 22, not 7. While it would have been appropriate as a Valentine’s Day gift from little Billy McCormick — my crush in the 2nd grade — it had no place as the main gift between adults.
Unless you’re planning on scraping off that macaroni into a pot of boiling water, making some homemade marinara sauce and setting a candlelit table — NO macaroni art.
11. Wrinkle Cream
What better way to tell your lover that you love them than by reminding them of their own aging process and mortality by giving them a jar of wrinkle cream. Hey, why not throw in a shawl and a rocking chair next time.
12. Cleaning Supplies
The only good thing that can be said about cleaning supplies as a Valentine’s Day gift is that they can come in handy to clean up the mess that is certain to ensue right after you give them.
13. Anything in a Ring-Sized Box That’s NOT a Ring
It’s time to exchange gifts. You see him reach into his pocket and pull out a box — a small box. Could it be? Yes, it looks like a ring box. Your heart flutters, you feel tingly. He hands you the box and it’s a… KEYRING! Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times ye… wait a minute?!
No matter how lovely the gift inside the box is, never — and I do mean NEVER — give her a gift in a ring-sized box on Valentine’s Day unless it is a ring. “The” ring to be more precise.
(If you are already married, you may ignore this one)
— Some Parting Words —
Finding the right Valentine’s Day gift doesn’t have to be so difficult. Just keep your ears open, your partner will usually drop hints. If not, think back to Christmas, what did they have on their list that they didn’t get? If you are totally stuck, ask one of their friends or family members — sometimes they have some insight.
Just avoid the crappy ideas listed above — and while you’re at it — also avoid:
Expired 2-for-1 Sizzler coupons, a half eaten bag of Cheetos, a lock of your ex’s hair, fast food condiment packets, and dead hamsters.
As hard as it is to believe, none of them will give you the results you want either.
