Sexless Dating, Is It For Me?
When it comes to dating, it is inevitable that sex will be part of the equation. However, for some people, sex is a topic that is kept completely off the table during dating. This is a concept known as “sexless dating.”
To many, such a notion sounds utterly absurd or extremely moralistic. To others, it is a perfectly acceptable part of courtship. It’s usually an issue of upbringing revolving around how a person was brought up culturally or religiously.
It is not for us to question whether sexless dating is right or wrong. That is a very personal decision. It is more interesting to focus on what you would do if you met a person who is an advocate of sexless dating while you are not.
We know, some of you are probably saying that if you encountered such a situation you would simply walk away and meet someone else. But what if you met someone with whom you have developed a strong emotional bond? What if you have fallen in love with this person? Would you be able to walk away so easily simply because sex is off the table until dating graduates into something more permanent — such as marriage?
This can create quite a conundrum. If you find yourself in such a situation you are likely going to ask yourself, “is sexless dating right for me?” To arrive at an answer to that question you will need to pose a series of additional questions to yourself.
1- What Are Your Motives?
Being sincere about your motives regarding where you wish to go with your partner is essential. If you agree to a sexless courtship because you are sincerely in love with your partner, because you honestly want to reach a point when marriage becomes a reality — then your motives are sound.
If, however, you are agreeing to sexless dating merely because you feel that you will be able to “wear down” your partner’s opposition to premarital sex and that at some point you’ll be able to “hit that,” then your motives are corrupt. You would be doing your partner a huge disservice by leading them on in such a way. Also, you will be setting yourself up for needless frustration.
Don’t be a douche, if you accept sexless dating do so for noble reasons.
2- Do You Have the Self-Discipline to See It Through?
It may be easy to answer that question in the affirmative if you are in love with your partner, but are you sure that you can pull it off? How intense is your sex drive?
The last thing that you want is to end up cheating on your partner because your urges got the best of you. This is why this question needs to be considered thoroughly, not just superficially during a moment of romanticism.
For some people, “self-gratification” for months or years would not be an issue. Others, however, just can’t make do without the real thing.
3- Just How Does Your Partner Define “Sexless”
Something to consider is how your partner defines “sexless.” Is that a complete state of chastity? Is your physical contact to be limited solely to hand-holding and maybe a few kisses?
Knowing what the boundaries are beforehand is critical. If you petition your partner at this early stage for certain leeway, there is the possibility that they will amplify what they consider to be acceptable physical contact. Maybe petting, mutual masturbation, or oral can be accommodated. That would make your sexless period a tad bit more palatable, don’t you think?
A couple of things to keep in mind if you do travel down this path — don’t be coercive and don’t be manipulative. Your partner will not appreciate it if they feel that you are applying conditions. Remember, it is not a contract negotiation. You must present it only as something that you want them to consider and hopefully accept. Give them time to ponder it, don’t place deadlines for making such decisions.
4- Is Your Partner Serious About the Relationship?
Since you are the one who will be giving up a part of your life as significant and gratifying as sex for your partner, you are not out of line to ask yourself if they are serious about the relationship.
Just because they choose not to engage in premarital sex does not mean that they are any more honest, sincere or truthful than anyone else. While they may not use sex to manipulate others they very well may not be above stringing someone along.
Maybe they “think” that you are “the one” but are not sure. Maybe they want to date you for a while just to see where things go. Maybe they think you’re cute and want you around until someone better comes along.
Knowing where your partner stands regarding the future of the relationship is essential. Imagine how irritating and frustrating it would be to be involved in a sexless dating romance for months only to end up in a “we need to talk” moment over coffee.
Obviously, there is always the possibility that things truly do not work out during the courtship and that you wind up breaking up. If that happens as part of the normal course of the relationship, painful as it may be, it is easier to accept. What is not cool is if your partner wasn’t 100 percent committed to the relationship from the beginning.
Tackling that topic by asking your partner directly will be awkward. But, hey, you are the one willing to give up “doing the nasty” for them. You are not out of line to pose the question and you deserve an honest answer.
— Never Say That It Will Never Happen to You —
As mystifying or utterly intolerable as the concept of sexless dating might sound to you right now, don’t dismiss the possibility that one day you may find yourself facing such a situation. While it is not something that would come up when you are in your care-free casual encounter days, you never know when love will strike. When it does, sexless dating might be a condition for moving forward with that relationship. So… don’t laugh.
