7 Common Relationship Killers
You’ve finally entered into a relationship that makes you happy. You love your partner and can envision a long future together. The last thing that you want is to hit a stumbling block that derails this newly found happiness.
While there is no magic formula to keep relationships in a perpetual state of bliss, there are certain things that you should be cautious about — these are the so-called “relationship killers.” They are actions and attitudes, that over time, can spell near-certain doom for even the happiest of relationships.
These are seven common relationship killers:
Resentment is defined as feelings of indignation over actions or situations that you deem to be unfair. When this sort of indignation is directed toward an accomplishment or action of your partner, it can lead to disdain for your partner. Over time, this will begin to erode trust and affection.
The best way to avoid this is by confronting your partner the moment that you feel that their actions are treating you unfairly. We said “confront” not “fight.” By dealing with potential seeds for resentment early, you prevent them from taking root.
2. Lack of Trust
One of the main ingredients of the mortar that holds relationships together is trust. When there is a lack of trust in a relationship — even if it is overlooked at the beginning — it will eventually cause the bond to shatter. This often affects people that were cheated on or seriously lied to in past relationships.
Placing trust in another person after you have experienced true betrayal is tough. However, not doing so will only ensure that your relationship will have a short existence.
3. Control and Manipulation
There are two types of people that like to control and manipulate those close to them. Those with an innate predisposition for behaving in such a manner — namely the “control freaks,” and those that utilize those skills to forcibly change and keep in check other people.
While the first example of control and manipulation can be very irritating, being a personality trait, it is one that can be overcome or tolerated. The second example, however, is much more serious. The second example implies a premeditated intent to restrict and mold your partner to your wishes. It makes a complete mockery of the autonomy of the individual. When the presence of such malicious attempts at control and manipulation are present — no matter how submissive the victimized partner may be — they will eventually rebel and leave. (rightfully so, if we may add)
4. Keeping Secrets
Yes, we all have secrets. That fact alone is not what puts relationships in jeopardy. It is the nature, number, and purpose of secrets that can kill a relationship. If you are keeping a secret about a fact shared with you by your best friend regarding embarrassing information to them, that can be classified as a justified secret. If you are keeping facts about your past, such as having an ex-spouse, children by another marriage, a criminal record — information germane to the both of you as a couple — then you might be sowing trouble.
Two people in a relationship, as we mentioned earlier, require trust. Keeping secrets from one another of things that should involve the both of you is never conducive to trust.
So, if you’re keeping it on the down-low from your partner that you have a cronut every day with lunch — you might be guilty of being indulgent and your waistline will rat you out eventually, but you are not running much risk of crashing your relationship. If on the other hand, you are keeping the fact that you slept with your partner’s best friend before you started going out — then you might have problems.
5. Career Before Relationship
You might think that your partner is aware of the passion that you have for your career. You might even rationalize that since they are aware of it, they must agree with it. Unfortunately, unless the both of you have had a serious conversation about the topic, such assumptions might lead your relationship astray.
When it comes to career and a relationship, it is more about how your partner perceives the impact on your relationship than anything else. It could be that your partner admires your passion, but laments and regrets your constant absence, It could also be that they are willing to put up with your prolonged absences in the hopes that you will eventually tone down your hours at work and spend more time with them. When that doesn’t happen, or worse — when more of your time is required by your career — then that’s when resentment can develop and, well, we covered that one at the top of this list.
Pride, in the positive sense of the word, is a good thing. When pride distorts into hubris or contempt, however, it can be severely damaging to a relationship. An example of this would be when one partner is too proud to recognize that they were wrong. They drag out an argument, refuse to admit guilt or apologize — all due to their foolish self-pride.
A successful relationship will always require contrition and acceptance. Allowing pride to interfere with that will send any relationship hurtling off course.
7. Unmet Promises
A relationship should be seen as a journey with a crew of two — your partner and yourself. That means that the majority of your major decisions should be taken in unison. This way, whether you succeed or fail, it was a joint action — there is no individual blame to be assigned.
There are certain instances, however, that do require unilateral action. These, in turn, require the making of individual promises. Quitting smoking, quitting drinking, finding a better job — all of these are examples of unilateral promises. While your partner is certain to support you in seeing your promises through, in the end, you alone are responsible. That means that if you make a lot of promises that go unfulfilled, your partner’s faith in you will begin to fade.
Dwindling faith in a relationship will lead to larger problems down the road. It will eventually compromise trust and confidence. This is why it is important to keep unmet promises to a minimum. That doesn’t mean not to commit yourself to accomplishing something for the benefit of the relationship — just do so wisely, and whenever possible — do it as a joint action.
— Final Word on Relationship Killers —
Some relationships are just destined to fail, regardless of how marvelously they began. When two people are merely infatuated with each other, those relationships will fizzle out on their own. When a relationship has sounder footing, however, those do merit nurturing. Those relationships should be valued and great care should be taken to avoid the pitfall of the relationship killers mentioned above.
Check out our blog post “8 Signs Your Relationship is Toxic” and make sure you’re in a healthy relationship as opposed to a toxic one.