The Ultimate Checklist for Getting Laid

If there is one thing that science, business, aviation, and fast food restaurant deep fryers have taught us, it is that having and using checklists will help you get the results that you want consistently while also keeping you safe. Ignore them and you run the risk of failing or suffering second-degree burns on your pinky finger.

The Ultimate Checklist for Getting Laid

When it comes to getting laid, do you have a plan?

More importantly, do you have a checklist which you can follow to maximize your chances of getting laid each time that you go out or start swiping through your favorite adult hookup site?

If the answer to those questions is, “no,” dammit, son, what is wrong with you? No wonder you’re spending your weekends eating cold leftover Chinese food and binge-watching PornHub.

You’d best sit down and read this article carefully. Yes, that means closing that PornHub video you have running in the other tab.

— The Planning Phase —

Choose Your Spot

As any good fisherman will tell you, the secret to catching all the fish you want is to know how to pick your spot. When you want to hook up with a hot cutie to get laid you also must know where to “cast your rod” so to speak.

Will it be that crowded bar downtown? What about that trendy new club your friends claim to have visited but which is unlikely because they are more broke than you? Will it be your online hookup app?

Preferably pick a spot where there are plenty of women and your competition isn’t too steep. That club where all of the rich buffed up guys from the fancy gym hang out… you may want to skip that place.

If online is your thing, consider joining a couple of platforms that show you “who’s online now.” Tinder, AdultFriendFinder — most of the big names offer that feature.

Choose a Time

Planning and coordination, son — that’s what it is all about. After you have chosen your spot to meet the cuties, now you need to choose a time. Will it be this Wednesday at 8pm? Sorry, I forgot, you have your crocheting class on Wednesdays, don’t you?

Just choose a day and a time where you can focus on the task at hand — in other words, finding a woman who will want to have sex with you. No need to sugar-coat it, son. Unless, of course, you’re into that sort of thing, you freaky bastard.

Block off a few hours if you’ll be cruising at a physical location, at least one hour you will be online. Remember, it takes time. You’ll have to go through a few rejections before you get lucky.

— The Preparation Phase —

Bathe and Dress

Before you should even think about approaching a woman, please, son, make sure to look good and smell good.

Don’t give me any nonsense about “smelling like a man.” You shower, put on deodorant, and apply cologne sparingly — I said SPARINGLY. Don’t douse yourself in aftershave or body spray to the point where you become a health hazard for those with compromised respiratory systems.

Then, put something on that makes you look like your worth a woman’s time.

What’s that? What if you are going to be cruising for cuties online? Of course you still need to shower and dress for that. Remember, you want to be ready for that moment when she says, “wanna cam?” Or if she agrees to meet you at the coffee shop on the corner in 30 minutes — you want to be ready, man.

— The Action Phase —

Brace for Rejections

You must enter this mission knowing that you will receive multiple rejections and, if you’re lucky, only one acceptance. Then again, one is all you need, am I right?

So, if you have issues with negativity, or being rejected, or if you feel the need to be coddled and babied — STOP IT right now. Accept that whether it will be to your face at a club or via a message online, you will receive rejections. Be prepared to let those rejections slide off you like your phone slides out of your well-lubricated hand when someone calls you at an “inopportune” moment.

Have Some Conversation Starters Ready

This means more than just some recycled and cliched pickup lines that you’ve been using since your freshman year in college.

Keep them simple and in tune with your personality. The last thing you want is to deliver some line which makes you have to act. These are basic greetings with a flirtatious twist. No need to get fancy.

Have Follow Through Ready

If your pickup line works you have to immediately swing into follow through mode. In other words, you’ll have to keep the conversation going. If you are not a conversationalist, a good fall back plan is to start asking her questions. Another side benefit of this is that the more she talks, the more you come off as a good listener.

Just don’t ask her creepy questions. Again, charming and flirtatious are the keywords here.

Be Progressive

Your goal is not to finish the evening with nothing but the pleasure of an engaging conversation. If that was your goal you could have called your aunt Grace and talked about her bursitis again.

Your goal is different. This means that you need to gauge how your progress is going continually. If your pickup line worked, great. Immediately switch to conversation mode. If that is working, great. You must then move to intimacy mode. This means moving from the bar to a quiet corner or table for two. If online, it means going from messaging, to one-on-one texting, to camming, to a real-world meetup.

You’re a shark, son. You need to keep moving or you will suffocate.

— Be Ready —

Condoms, Man

Don’t be that dude who finds a willing partner and at 3 AM realizes that he doesn’t have a condom. Keep plenty on hand.

Have a Place Ready

Nothing worse than having a cutie wanting to “seal the deal” with you only for you to remember that your place is a mess or your roommate, Derek, is having his book club meeting at your apartment that evening.

If you’re going out cruising for action or if you are scrolling on your app, make sure your place and bedroom are ready. Your bathroom too. Dude, girls really appreciate a clean bathroom.

If your place won’t do, at least have a nice and safe hotel in mind where you can go.

No, the backseat of your car should not be on your shortlist.

The Out

If a no-strings-attached one-nighter is all that the both of you agreed to, make sure you have your “out” planned. Be it getting an Uber for yourself or for her, setting a time when you must leave, etc. Always have the out prepared.

— That’s It. Easy, Huh? —

You see? That wasn’t that bad. Now print this out, laminate it, and carry it with you at all times. Better yet, three-hole punch it and keep it in a red binder marked “CHECKLIST FOR GETTING LAID.”

I hope you realize that the last part was a joke. The rest of the checklist, however, is serious and if applied, will help you to get laid.