Without boring you too much about myself, I’m a 40-something guy who has been married for over 20 years. My wife is a great woman, I consider our marriage to be strong. We have a happy home with two great kids. Everything that a guy like me could ask for. The only area where I find myself feeling incomplete is in the sex department. It’s not that my wife is not attractive. To be honest, I believe that most people would describe my wife as being sexy. The issue is that her sexual appetite is not as frequent as my own. When we do have sex it is outstanding. Unfortunately once a week is not enough for me. I’ve never cheated on my wife in the formal sense. I never plan on doing so either. For the past 3 years, though, I have started using online hookup apps to meet and chat with other women. My intention never was and never will be meeting in person. I don’t go looking for actual hookups. I just engage in with what folks my age would call cybersex and people today probably refer to as sexting or sex camming. Should I feel guilty about this? Is this a form of cheating on my spouse? Should I feel guilty about not feeling guilty?
Guiltless in Arizona
Dear Guiltless in Arizona,
Based on your nickname, we assume that you’re currently not being ravaged by guilt due to your online activities.
From the content of your message, it seems like you are more worried about how others would perceive your actions if you are ever caught.
At its core, the topic of whether sexting is a form of cheating is very subjective. It depends on the individual’s point of view, upbringing, and multiple other factors.
That being said, if your wife were ever to catch you engaged in such activity the chances are very high that she will be hurt by it. That is perfectly understandable. Although you are not to physically cheating on her, you are engaging with other women in a sexual context to derive sexual gratification. That is bound to make your wife feel inadequate or unattractive. It would definitely hurt her emotionally.
You may view it as a masturbatory aid, but your wife would probably see it as a complete betrayal of trust.
Possible Courses of Action
A course of action that you might consider involves speaking to your wife and letting her know about your sexual appetite. Don’t make it seem like you are criticizing her for having a lower sexual appetite than you. If anything, make sure to reassure her about the passion that you feel for her and how gratifying you find sex to be with her.
However, also touch upon how you need to satisfy your own needs from time to time. Suggest to her the possibility of sharing mutual masturbation time. It’s something she might enjoy or that will open the conversation to other ideas. These may include watching adult films together. Depending on her level of openness, she may even surprise you and be open to the idea of what you are already doing.
At the very least, by opening a channel of communication with your wife on this topic you will have direct knowledge as to her feelings on this issue. That way you will know if it is something that you should try to cut back on to avoid getting caught or if you will be given free and open license to continue doing so.